Author: Henry

Henry Jarvis is the youngest member of the Reel Nerds. His favorite films include Space Jam and Dude, Where’s My Car? and Lawrence of Arabia. He enjoys those pretentious art house films that Ryan hates. He sees a lot of movies! Honestly more than he should. He replaces his lack of social skills and meaningful friendships with his love of cinema! He’s also crying while he writes this biography for himself. His favorite directors are Andrei Tarkovsky, David Fincher, and David Lean.

Art House Asshole, Review

NYFF Coverage: The Irishman Review

It’s kind of unfair to compare this film to anything else going into theaters this year. Between being the first Italian Mob film Scorsese has made in over twenty years, and what seems to be impossible to cast, I feel a sense of guilt when comparing this film to the films released this year. It would be like if I went to Post Malone concert and had a good time, but the next night I went to a Rolling Stones reunion concert where David Bowie somehow was touring with them. It is hard to compare the two because even if they are on par with each other, one will inevitably feel more special. 

The anxiety about this film has spread through the film community in an almost toxic way. With two aspects of the film being large red flags of concern, the first of which is the CGI and de-aging of main characters. I will say the first time we go from old to young Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci; it is a bit jarring. But as the film progresses, you kind of forget that it is even a thing. By the time that Al Pacino had entered the story, I was struggling to tell if what was CGI or just great make-up work. Which is a statement on how engaging the story is, where I just ended up getting lost what and who these characters are that I stopped caring about what their appearances were. I will say it is strange to see Robert De Niro and Bobby Cannavale in a scene together where Robert De Niro plays the much younger character. But that isn’t on the film per se and more so that I know for a fact that Robert De Niro is a much older guy.

The second issue was addressed in the previous point, and that being the fact that this film is almost four hours long. Which is long, and I recently have found mass displeasure for a long film. I saw this film at 8 PM and almost planned my eating and drinking schedule around it so that I wouldn’t have to use the bathroom during the absurd runtime. I will also say though, that Scorsese is easily in the top three greatest filmmakers working today, if not the number one. Maybe you disagree with that statement and think of another director as someone whose films you relate to more, whether that be Spielberg, Tarantino, or the Coen Brothers. All valid filmmakers to admire, but I will say straight up that Scorses is the only one of those that made an almost four-hour film breeze. Not only that but the film is packed full of themes and ideas that it makes the 3.5-hour long runtime feel warranted. Schindler’s List is a perfect film that feels long, The Hateful Eight feels long, this film never felt long. If Scorsese has a definitive talent, it isn’t violence, gangster movies, anti-heroes or anything like that. If Scorsese is good at one thing and one thing only, it’s pacing. And I feel like this film cements him as the best director to work with the idea of pacing since maybe King Vidor.

And although I sing high praise for the film, that isn’t to say that I think all will love this film — quite the contrary. Among the massive amounts of themes and philosophies explored in the film, one of them is centered around Male Friendship and the Power Dynamic between Men. One theory in cinema that I’ve rattled around for a few years is the idea of an audience and which the filmmaker is targeting. There are certain films that I believe specific demographics won’t be able to relate to or fully enjoy. Thee example that I typically bring up when discussing this is Marielle Heller’s Diary of a Teenage Girl. A film that is so specifically about the trials of a young girl growing into her sexuality that I had no way of relating to the film and subsequently did not enjoy the film. Is that film bad? No! By no means, I recommend it to my friends very frequently. It is a wonderfully made film. It just isn’t made for me. Which brings us back to The Irishman, a film that is made for masculine white guys, and preferably older masculine white guys. 

Throughout the film, there are two people of color, and there are only two female characters for the most part. The two characters being Josephine Hoffa, played wonderfully by Welker White, and Peggy Sheeran played in part by Anna Paquin. Welker White has a fair amount of lines and has one pivotal and vitally scene, especially for a character listed probably ten lines down in the call sheet. And Anna Paquin’s role might be the most important in the film, but Anna Paquin has I think one line in the entire movie. And giving Paquin credit, she fucking nails that line. But I was hoping to see more of her. But as I slept on it, I began to think that maybe that line is all we needed. Afterall, Paquin’s character is emotionally damaged, and her silence speaks to that. Her choosing not to talk is the point and shows the shortcomings in De Niro’s character. Because although this film is made for older masculine white guys, the film is also a critique of their lifestyles.

Everything in this film is masterfully done. I feel like it would be treading water to go down the list of everything that is explored to a masterful degree. You can tell that everyone involved wanted to give the best product possible. And although the film will undoubtedly be a talking point when it comes out, I think the film is terrific, and I had a fantastic time with it.

Articles

For the Love of God, Stop Making Long Movies

In the past couple of months, I’ve been working my way through the Top 250 Films on Letterboxd. And at this point in my cinematic life, I’ve seen all of the English Language films and all of the “obvious” film. You know foreign films that, if you watch foreign films, you have already seen them. Like “8 1/2”, “Seven Samurai”, “Oldboy”, the works. So now I’m on to the lesser known films. The kind of stuff that I watch, and where I will usually like them in some capacity, I will bring them up to my film history professors and they will have never heard of them. An example of this is “Marketa Lazarová”, a German-Czech film that is amazing! I approached my film history professor and asked him what he thought of it and he had never heard of it. So I’m in that territory now. This territory also contains one of the worst things any film completionist fan can run into. The dreaded 3 hour plus film.

Now don’t get me wrong. There are a few times that a 3-hour film can be great. For example, my opinion for the most flawless film of all time is Lawrence of Arabia. But my god. Most of these films are so needlessly long.

If you ever want a good laugh, go check out the comments on Letterboxd’s Top 250. They are always arguing over the stupidest garbage that doesn’t matter because they all like jerking themselves off over how right they are. The argument this week is over whether or not a film called “La Flor” should be included in the list. “La Flor” is a film that screened at the New York Film Festival last year and was a film I was able to see. Another element of “La Flor” that you should be aware of, is that “La Flor” is 14 hours long. That’s right! A 14-hour long film. And you were beginning to get worried over “Avengers: Endgame” being around 2 hours and 50 minutes.

Here is another thing about “La Flor” that you should know. “La Flor” is hot garbage. It would be amazing if it was 2 hours long. But it’s not, and it does not need 14 god damn hours for it to tell it’s message.

I’ve seen so many films recently that are over 3 hours long that have no right to be that long. I got shit to do movie. I am giving you my time. Don’t be so god damn long for no reason. Hire a god damn editor you pathetic excuse of a cretin. “La Maman et La Putain”? You were good, but you could have been great if you were an hour and a half. “The Best of Youth”? Hot damn you don’t need to be 6 hours long. “Celine and Julie go Boating”? Why don’t you instead go cutting the pointless shit out of your movie? Often times the worst part of a good film is the runtime. And I am so god damn tired of going to see a movie that is over 3 hours long and having to sit through a worthless conversation. Figure out what is necessary and cut the rest out you meaningless liquid spine. God damn.

You can make an amazing film with multiple themes also an hour and a half. “Blindspotting” proved this last year. So stop making your films so fucking long when at the end of the day, the point of the film is ‘I’m sad and my wife won’t suck my dick’, get over yourself you Italian Prick. God damn.

Articles, Kaiju Waifu

Kaiju Waifu : Part Two

Ishiro Honda’s 1954 Godzilla, was successful at the box office, becoming the eighth most attended film in Japan’s box office that year. It remains to this day the second most viewed Godzilla film, behind a crossover film we will discuss in another article. Toho quickly decided to make a sequel and hired Motoyoshi Oda. Motoyoshi Oda worked for Toho previously making short documentaries that production company would package before their feature films. It also helped that Motoyoshi Oda was classmates at Waseda University with his classmates being both Ishiro Honda and Akira Kurosawa. Motoyoshi Oda was assigned to direct the sequel to Godzilla with the title of Godzilla Raids Again in 1955. Godzilla Raids Again was also re-edited and overdubbed in English for American audiences using the title, Gigantis the Fire Monster. In which, Godzilla returns and fights another Kaiju named Anguirus.

Upon its release, Godzilla Raids Again was poorly received and was not nearly as financially successful as Honda’s previous installment. Many critics saying the film felt rushed and incomplete. And although the film was not a success, Toho learned from their mistake and decided to put a hold on future Godzilla films for the time being. This did not mean that they were done making Kaiju films, however.

The following year, Ishiro Honda’s followup to Godzilla was released. The film would today be considered the first spin-off of the franchise, although it has no immediate connection to the original film. The film introduced the Kaiju character known as Rodan in his first film titled Rodan. Following a pterodactyl that fights with another pterodactyl for the right to destroy Japan. The film was extremely successful and redeemed the idea of Kaiju film in the minds of the moving going public. Released with a few edits and a re-dub in America, the film broke records for a science fiction film.

The film was successful, but many attributed its success that only months before it’s release, an American re-edit of the original Godzilla film, title Godzilla King of the Monsters, was released, with additional scenes shot with American actors to give an American point of view for the film. This edit was later released in Japan titled Monster King Godzilla. The film was well received and the “re-release” of the film was very financially successful in Japan. This made re-edits with American voices and American added scenes commonplace for the future of the franchise.

Ishiro Honda later followed Rodan up with a film that will only be brought up now as it has a very brief connection with the Godzilla Franchise outside of this film. Honda made The Mysterians in 1957. While still a science fiction film, the film was distinctively not Kaiju connected. The film would be easier classified as an alien invasion film. The only reason it is mentioned is the ship the aliens drive on is named Moguera. And Moguera later appears in Godzilla Island a Toho produced television series. Godzilla Island is often what people think of when they think of Godzilla as that is where most of the fights between monsters take place. This series will not be fully covered in this article series, however.

Ishiro Honda returned a year later to the Kaiju genre with Varan. Varan was released in 1958 to very poor reviews. To this day, many fans refer to Varan as one of the weakest films Toho has ever released. Many saying it was just a generic copy of Godzilla and to a lesser extent, Rodan. This was not helped by an American re-edit of the film titled Varan the Unbelievable. The re-edit removed so much of the original film and replaced it with American made scenes, that it is almost unrecognizable with the original version. The harsh criticism hit Ishiro Honda, but he and Toho listened to the criticism. The biggest complaint was that Varan was too similar to Godzilla. They had to somehow change up the formula. Maybe with something less reptilian, and more bug like.

Art House Asshole, Articles, Review

Art House Asshole : Uncle Drew

Do you ever want to feel artistically superior to all of your friends? Maybe you are tired of your friends talking about how great the latest action film is and want to sound better. Maybe you want to impress your date with obscure film trivia. Maybe you think that knowing a lot about film history and art will somehow validate your meaningless existence and will replace that ever-growing pit in your heart that tells you that you don’t matter and no one cares about you. Well, don’t worry! Because I watch a bunch of art house films and can give you recommendations on what to watch and what to feel superior about! So without any delay, let’s get pretentious!

—

In 1973, French Director Jean Luc-Godard wrote and directed a little-known film titled Oncle Drew. Many called it Godard’s best film, but after premiering at Cannes Film Festival in 1973, Italian Director Roberto Rossellini challenged Godard to a fist fight. The fight was over the fact that as Oncle Drew premiered Rossellini claimed that Godard stole the idea from him and his script for the now lost film called Mio Zio, Drew. Both films featured the plot line of a young man down on his luck soon to be evicted from his apartment. In Oncle Drew the young man was played by Horst Buchholz of Life is Beautiful and The Magnificent Seven fame. In Mio Zio, Drew the role was played by Robert De Niro in his earliest film role. In an attempt to gain short-term monetary gain, the young man attempts to lead a team of sportsmen by winning a championship game. In Godard’s film the sport was soccer while in Rossellini’s the sport was a cricket. The hero of the films would then meet an older gentleman who was surprisingly amazing at the games and agreed to lead the team, this older man’s name in both films was “Drew”. In Oncle Drew, Drew was played by Alain Delon while in Mio Zio, Drew the character was played by Marcello Mastroianni. The similarities were uncanny.

The fight raged on throughout the festival. Many filmmakers took various sides. Andrei Tarkovsky claimed that he read the script for Oncle Drew years previously and that Rossellini merely stole the idea himself. While others such as Ingmar Bergman and Federico Fellini believed that Rossellini was the true owner of the film and that he had been attempting to get the film produced for decades. As the battle heated to a climax with Agnés Varda, wearing only the blood of Jacques Demy, stabbing Akira Kurosawa. The film community came together and agreed the only way to move forward peacefully was to discard all traces of the two films. Godard and Rossellini agreed, thinking that if they couldn’t have their story then no one could. The 1973 Cannes Film Festival concluded with the community coming together and burning every reel of both Oncle Drew and Mio Zio, Drew. Lost forever, only those able to attend the two screenings of the films would know the majesty and elegance of the films. Many film historians consider any copies either film to be the holy grail of the film community. In 1998, Steve Spielberg claimed to have witnessed a showing of the two films in the depths of Thailand while location scouting for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. He said that the beauty of the films inspired him to make Saving Private Ryan and the heart and soul of the films is what gave him the confidence to direct Schindler’s List. Many say that Spielberg was lying and that no copies of the film even exist.

But in 2011, while at the premiere of a colleagues film, Michael Haneke found the original script to Oncle Drew. He quickly sold it to the Museum of the Moving Image in New York. There Pepsi bought the script and began Avant-Garde short films inspired by the story. Many of these short films won awards at Cannes, Sundance, and Venice Film Festivals. One even won Best Live Action Short Film at the Academy Awards in 2013. With the success of their Avant-Garde short films, Pepsi decided the film community was ready for a new adaptation of the controversial picture.

And thus, Uncle Drew, the 2018 Basketball Comedy film about old people playing Basketball and Shaq being a karate master came into fruition. And it was the greatest film of the decade.

Articles, Kaiju Waifu

Kaiju Waifu : Part One

Before Marvel had its superheroes, the world had Godzilla. With all of the talk of Marvel and Disney revolutionizing the film industry, it’s easy to forget that they aren’t the first time a “Cinematic Universe” has succeeded. The first being all of the Kaiju films that range from 1925 to even today. So for a new series that I think might be fun, I’m going to look at all of these big ole monster films and see if all of them hold up. This includes the King Kong films as well as the Godzilla films, and all of the spin-offs of these franchises like Mothra and Gamera.

So do they hold up? Let’s start today with the first big ole monster film ever made, The Lost World, though not technically involved with the rest of the films; this film is historically significant as the primary influencer into the next movie. The Lost World is directed by Harry O. Hoyt and Milton Menasco. It is the first adaptation of the Arthur Conan Doyle novel detailing a large island inhabiting large creatures! And by giant creatures, we mean dinosaurs for the most part. Now the film didn’t age well, but it’s not awful by any means. The film is just a bouncing point. The effects used in the film I’m sure are mind-blowing for the time, but today just seem like a poor choice in comparison to the next film.

The next film is the iconic King Kong! Coming out almost ten years after The Lost World, Ernest B. Schoedsack was deeply inspired by the film and made what is arguably the most iconic film ever made. I feel like I don’t even have to explain the plot of this film. But King Kong follows a group of money hungry filmmakers as they find a giant ape and bring the ape back to New York. Things then go very swimmingly, and nothing bad happens. Unlike The Lost World, the effects for King Kong hold up exceptionally well. To the point where I still wonder how exactly a few effects were done. The film to this day, almost one hundred years later, still holds up as an amazing film.

Now King Kong was a roaring success. To the point where only a year later, almost everyone involved with King Kong returned for the sequel, The Son of Kong. Ernest B. Schoedsack returns for this film, and if you are wondering what else he did with his career, he found his niche and made films about how dangerous mammals are with The Most Dangerous Game, Dr. Cyclops, and Chang. The Son of Kong picks up immediately after King Kong; our main character is on the run from everyone who wants to sue/kill him because of the events of the first film. He returns to Skull Island where he finds out that King Kong had a son. Now, this film really can’t compare to the original. They had a smaller budget and smaller set. And noticeably it has a much lighter tone, almost becoming a comedy. Remember this because this will be a reoccurring theme throughout this series.

The Kong films became famous around the world. Interestingly, five years later a small production studio in Japan was interested in these films. This production company was called Zensho Cinema, and not much is known about them today. But they liked the Kong films so much that they decided to make their own. So they made the film The King Kong That Appeared in Edo. Following King Kong as he treks to Japan and causes chaos.  Unfortunately, once the war broke out in Japan, the film was destroyed and is now considered lost. All that remains is a few pictures and frames of what the film looked like. And this might be a bad time to bring this up, but I have a fear of bad masks. Like when something looks half human and half animal. I don’t know; it just freaks me out. So when I look at the costume for King Kong made by Fuminori Ohashi, I freak out. It is terrifying, and I am honestly glad I didn’t have to watch this film. And although the film was lost and wasn’t a thundering success like the other Kong Films, Ohashi caught the eye of another director in Japan sixteen years later. This director was Ishiro Honda.

Ishiro Honda was a Japanese director who throughout the early stages of his career, he was forced to make propaganda war films for Japan. Upon the end of WWII, Honda began to make films the way he wanted but was met with harsh criticism and reluctance from financiers. Many claimed that Ishiro Honda’s scripts were too dark and realistic. Many of which criticized the war and the Japanese Government and Military, a very taboo subject at the time. It wasn’t until 1954 that Honda contacted Fuminori Ohashi, wanting to recruit him to create the suit and costume for his next film, Godzilla.

In 1954, Honda directed the secretly hyper critical anti-war film Godzilla. Though many who have never seen a Godzilla film before might be disappointed in the monster first foray into film. Godzilla doesn’t make that long of an appearance in the film, but his presence is strong. Off the coast of Japan, a monster has been born, and the natives call it Gojira, a 164-foot tall monster that is headed toward Japan. The rest of the film is the government attempting to figure out how to defeat the creature before it destroys Japan, and consequently the rest of the world. Godzilla is dark and haunting. There are no fun action sequences; it would be more accurate to describe the film as a horror film. The audience and the characters know destruction is coming and there is no stopping it. The only thing they can do is wait for their doom or try to figure out any possible way to stop it. Ishiro Honda didn’t realize what he was making then would end up changing cinema for the rest of time.

Art House Asshole, Articles, Review

Art House Asshole : Still Walking

Do you ever want to feel artistically superior to all of your friends? Maybe you are tired of your friends talking about how great the latest action film is and want to sound better. Maybe you want to impress your date with obscure film trivia. Maybe you think that knowing a lot about film history and art will somehow validate your meaningless existence and will replace that ever-growing pit in your heart that tells you that you don’t matter and no one cares about you. Well, don’t worry! Because I watch a bunch of art house films and can give you recommendations on what to watch and what to feel superior about! So without any delay, let’s get pretentious!

—

The best way I can describe the films that I’ve seen by Hirokazu Kore-eda is to say they remind me of a spring breeze. The films of his that I’ve seen remind me of my childhood. His films have the same dynamic tone seen in Yasujiro Ozu’s work, but with just a slight bit more dirt. I really enjoy watching Kore-eda’s filmography and he is one of those directors that I am gladly watching all the way through currently. Which leads me to why I choose this film, Still Walking, for my review this week.

Still Walking, is a 2008 Japanese film directed by Hirokazu Kore-eda. Still Walking follows the Yokoyama family as they come together to mourn the death of Junpei, the eldest son, on the 15th anniversary of his death. Despite the heavy tone, the film never gets dark I would say. Though the theme of the film reminds me of something I would see in something directed by Jacques Audiard, it never becomes a haunting film that a director like Audiard would make. It remains a Kore-eda film through and through, where the film just feels calm. There is sadness, but there is never sorrow.

If there was a performance that I wanted to highlight, it would probably be Hiroshi Abe. Abe plays Ryota, the youngest son of the Yokoyama family. Ryota feels as though his parents wish he had died instead of his brother. On top of that, he must introduce his wife and stepson to his family, which also causes conflict. Hiroshi Abe’s performance is very nuanced in the film and he delivers something both subtle and impactful with his performance. Abe’s performance completely blew me away in this film.

Though I did enjoy the film, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I was expecting or hoping. I far more enjoyed his film Like Father, Like Son as well as Our Little Sister to a lesser extent. I honestly expected this to be his magnum opus, as it was the average highest rating on Letterboxd. Though the film is by no means bad and is actually very good, I might have just had too high of expectations and I should have just checked those expectations at the door. But currently, as it stands I was a tad bit let down by the film.

I don’t have much else to say about the film. It’s a very calm and enjoyable film. It doesn’t push the boundaries of film nor does it revolutionize anything. But it doesn’t need to. Because it is a great way to calm down. It’s a great way to smile. I think this film has a lot to enjoy because it’s one of those films. Kore-eda is the director equivalent of a feel-good hangover movie. You can just put it on, and not have to worry about anything. You just let it play.

Articles, Review, White Coats

White Coats : Her Name Was Lisa

Be Lisa’s Next Victim!

—

James requested it, so I got my hands on a copy of Her Name Was Lisa, a film directed by Roger Watkins starring Samantha Fox as the titular Lisa. If those two names don’t mean anything to you, good! They shouldn’t! But if you are curious and don’t want to open up a secret internet window, Roger Watkins was a mid-tier pornographic director who also made a few horror films in his time. Samantha Fox was actually a fairly famous and notorious pornographic actress. And in case you were wondering by now, no this film is not a sexploitation film like I was hoping it was going to be. This is just a straight up pornographic film.

Our story begins where all great pornos begin, at a funeral. The titular Lisa is dead. Are you excited yet? Because I’m sure not. In a weird way, this film is basically a porn version of the 1954 Humphrey Bogart film The Barefoot Contessa. The film is told in flashback as people remember their fondest memories of Lisa, which most of the time involves hardcore sex.

The first memory is from this one photographer. Lisa comes to him and is like “I’m a model I guess”, they honestly never really establish who Lisa is or what Lisa wants. Which is strange for a film that is centered around Lisa and her life. But anyway, Lisa shows up to this modeling gig and begins modeling. What’s amazing though is that the photographer doesn’t own a camera. Lisa is modeling and the photographer is sitting down just kind of watching her. I don’t know what kind of business this guy is running but I don’t imagine his income is very high if this is how he operates his business. Then they have sex. And I was concerned because this was at the seven-minute mark and now the story can’t really progress because all of the sexual tension is gone. Don’t worry though. I was wrong.

So then the next scene is a few weeks later and they are doing another session. The photographer isn’t important for this scene, so he has a camera now. Also Lisa is blonde now for some reason. She is never blonde again for the rest of the film. Part of me thinks it honestly might be a different actress. But anyway, the photographer is a tool and is angry for some reason. She is like “Bruh, calm down. What’s your deal?” and he’s like “The producer is coming today and I don’t want you to meet him!” Then like a Scooby Doo villain the producer shows up and is standing behind them and tells the photographer to go get them food. The producer and Lisa start talking. Lisa is clearly not into him and does not want to be around him. And is also pretty creepy and I wasn’t a fan of this scene. But then the sex music starts playing and Lisa is totally into him for plot purposes and the two have a long and boring sex scene. The entire scene I was thinking “what happens when the photographer shows up and walks in on his fat producer naked lounging around his studio?” So I guess the director had a great sense of tension when directing the scene. The photographer does end up showing up and walking in on this and the producer just says “You should have knocked!”

We then hard cut back to the funeral. It’s kind of hilarious how this film bounces from straight up sex with full penetration, to these bad porn actors trying to be sad at this fake funeral. I’ll also say that what was nice about reviewing this film is that I really only had to watch it with a critical eye for maybe twenty minutes of its hour and a half runtime because I could just tune out during the sex scenes. Nice and refreshing viewing experience.

The next flashback presented is the memory from the producer. Apparently, that sex was so good that they got married and had a long marriage of growth and love. Just kidding. The memory from the producer is this one time that he came home and she was a dominatrix and they had sex. It’s a long scene that is primarily just him naked being sexually tortured. If I could have fast-forwarded, I would have. She then goes to a sauna and meets Carmen! Carmen is played by Vanessa del Rio who at the time was a medical researcher attempting to find a cure for AIDS. Just kidding. She was another pornographic actress. Now according to the bio for this film, Carmen is the main antagonist. But after watching it, Carmen is in like two scenes and doesn’t do really anything.

Hard cut back to the funeral. People are still sad. This film is really well written.

Then Lisa and the producer are hanging out at home and the producer is having some friends over. Lisa for some reason thinks that the producer will be leaving and just the friends would be there. Which is very foolish but I honestly don’t even care anymore. So the friends show up and in a really dark and uncomfortable turn, the friends rape Lisa while the producer watches and masturbates. I was really losing my patience with the film around this point.

Lisa then meets up with Carmen in the sauna again and the two have the obligatory lesbian sex scene. And then Lisa dies. The end.

So yeah. I went in expecting a fun sexploitation film. And instead I got a bad porno that wasn’t exciting at all and involved rape and poorly done BDSM, and on top of that, the overarching plot revolves around a funeral where everyone is crying. So even on a porn level, this film is a failure. Why do I do this to myself? I could have watched an Italian Neo-Realism film. Or an American New Wave film. Or hell I could have watched one of the Erotic Thrillers from the 90s. But instead I watch Sad Funeral The Porno.

Articles, Review, White Coats

White Coats – Five Deadly Venoms

Pick your Poison!

—

There’s nothing quite like a good Martial Arts Film! Unfortunately, this isn’t really one of those. I wouldn’t call it a good film but rarely are exploitation/kung fu films. So I’ll excuse it. But there is also only like one good fight scene in the film. That is kind of tiresome.

Five Deadly Venoms, also known as The Five Venoms, is a Hong Kong film directed by Chang Cheh and is part of The Shaw Brothers line up of films. Five Deadly Venoms follows a young Martial Arts Student who’s master dies but warns him that his five previous students, each with different fighting styles, might use those powers for evil. So the young student must track down and prevent the this from happening. That’s the setup.

The film is one hundred percent not that though. Basically the evil that they might use their powers for, ends up being the fact that there is a hidden treasure and it essentially becomes a Martial Arts version of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. Also, the young student doesn’t really need to defeat them because most of the film ends up being a courtroom drama. The young student finds that the student who studies Toad fighting style is a good guy. Then the rest of the students try to frame him for murder. That’s what most of the film ends up being about. A courtroom drama can be a cool film. But when I walk into a kung fu film, I expect a kung fu film. Not a mistrial and political thriller. Especially with the title Five Deadly Venoms. I’d expect more!

But let’s talk about the Martial Arts, because really if you are walking into one of these films, that’s what you are looking for. And the fight scenes are few and far between. There are a couple that shows off the fighting styles, which really just end up being superpowers. The big one is the Toad’s fighting style which allows him to not be penetrated or really have any weakness. This makes him invincible, which also makes his fight sequences fairly boring. The only real interesting fight scene is at the end when five of the students (one of them died along the way), end up facing each other. That one is interesting but the actual movements and choreography never really changes throughout the scene. Making the scene end up being boring. It doesn’t help that two of the styles, Scorpion and Snake, are essentially the same thing with minor caveats. The final fight goes on for a bit too long then ends suddenly and along with the fight scene the entire film ends. It feels unfulfilling in a way. I wanted the fight sequences to be a bit more. I guess it’s personal preference but I wish the kung fu film had more kung fu and less courtroom drama.

I will say that in a very kung fu film fashion, my favorite part of the film is the dramatic overacting done by the performers. If I haven’t completely persuaded you to not see this film, then one thing I will say in its favor is that those elements to make a few of the scenes fun. How certain elements of the film are shot are also fun. I will say that my experience might have been a little tainted because around ten minutes into the film, a group of people came and sat behind me. This involved them using my seat as a cane and jerked around my seat to find theirs. They then proceeded to grunt and go “oh no” and “oh damn” every two minutes in the film. It was awful and it ruined my mood. So I might have liked the film a bit more if I wasn’t annoyed by them. Also, if you are part of those people, I hope your parents get divorced and you recognize that it’s your fault.

Anyway, not super impressed by the film. Wish it was a bit more fun. But apparently, I might be in the minority as a bunch of rappers have apparently written songs about this film. Which is interesting I guess. So if you are a rapper and are interested in writing a song, maybe this film will be up your alley! Check it out in that case I guess.

Art House Asshole, Articles, Review

Art House Asshole : You Were Never Really Here

Do you ever want to feel artistically superior to all of your friends? Maybe you are tired of your friends talking about how great the latest action film is and want to sound better. Maybe you want to impress your date with obscure film trivia. Maybe you think that knowing a lot about film history and art will somehow validate your meaningless existence and will replace that ever-growing pit in your heart that tells you that you don’t matter and no one cares about you. Well, don’t worry! Because I watch a bunch of art house films and can give you recommendations on what to watch and what to feel superior about! So without any delay, let’s get pretentious!

—

BOY was I worried about this one. For over a year now I’ve heard nothing but praise for this film. This film premiered in Cannes, last year and ever since I feel like I haven’t been able to avoid talking about this film. And I’m not even a huge Lynne Ramsey fan! I’ve seen We Need to Talk About Kevin, and I thought it was pretty good. I wasn’t blown away by it, but that is primarily because I was a big fan of the book and had too high of expectations. But I thought she was clearly a stylish director with a distinct vision and had nothing against her. I had no reason to think this film was going to be bad. And every film person around me was like “HOT DAMN HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAILER/POSTER/PROMOTIONAL TELEVISION AD FOR THE NEW LYNNE RAMSAY FILM, WHICH NAME IS LONG AND I HONESTLY CAN’T FULL REMEMBER WHAT EXACTLY IT IS?” And I’m like “yeah”. And that’s how that conversation goes. And usually, when this kind of situation happens, I end up seeing the film and thinking “yeah”. And that’s about it. So I was worried that I was going to walk into this film and think it was just okay. But it’s actually a bit higher than okay! So that’s nice.

You Were Never Really Here is a new thriller from director Lynne Ramsay. You Were Never Really Here follows Joaquin Phoenix as Joe, a man whose job is to find kidnapped girls when the client doesn’t feel comfortable going to the police. Joe is hired to find the daughter of a state senator and then things start going south fast. This is one of those films that talks quietly and moves loudly. You might not fully understand every element of the film. But you will understand enough to get from point a to point b.

The first thing I will mention is how good the acting in the film is. Joaquin Phoenix is great as always. And what this film does that I thought was an interesting choice was to cast primarily unknown actors. Each actor has been in a few films here and there. But with the exception of Phoenix, most of the actors are fairly low level and non-famous actors. It definitely adds to the experience and disbelief. And although almost no character has more than maybe ten lines, they say so much with those lines as well as what their emotions and actions say. I want to give a special shoutout to Judith Roberts, who plays Joe’s Mother. As she might be one of the major highlights of the film.

Briefly, I want to point out that while I watched the film I very much enjoyed the soundtrack, which is composed by Jonny Greenwood, who also did Phantom Thread last year. While I enjoyed it when I was watching the film, I write this review almost a week later and I can’t remember most of the score off the top of my head. So I guess keep that into consideration.

I think if I had to give a favorite aspect of the film, I would list the editing. How the film is presented I think is, for a lack of a better word, charming. How the story is told is woven with Joe’s own personal PTSD which makes for a very interestingly presented film and story. Again, you might not understand exactly every part of the film. But you will get from point a to point b. You might not understand why Joe has PTSD. But you will understand the effects on him which is really the point of the film.

At a really brisk runtime, I would recommend this film to those that are looking for a more artsy thriller, or at least a different thriller. I described this film to a couple people as what would happen to Liam Neeson’s character if Taken didn’t have a happy ending. It’s a slow burn until it isn’t. But when you get there, you realize that the fire of the slow burn was leading to an explosion.

Art House Asshole, Articles, Review

Art House Asshole : Godard Mon Amour

Do you ever want to feel artistically superior to all of your friends? Maybe you are tired of your friends talking about how great the latest action film is and want to sound better. Maybe you want to impress your date with obscure film trivia. Maybe you think that knowing a lot about film history and art will somehow validate your meaningless existence and will replace that ever-growing pit in your heart that tells you that you don’t matter and no one cares about you. Well, don’t worry! Because I watch a bunch of art house films and can give you recommendations on what to watch and what to feel superior about! So without any delay, let’s get pretentious!

—

Aight, so I have a lot of opinions on Jean-Luc Godard. I’m going to try to keep those to myself as I will inevitably get sidetracked into talking about that for too long. But I might dip into that naturally as this is essentially a biopic on Jean-Luc Godard.

Godard Mon Amour, also known as Le Redoutable in some countries, is a new film from French director Michel Hazanavicius. If that name sounds familiar and you don’t know why Hazanavicius won best director and best picture for The Artist a few years back. Godard Mon Amour tells the love story between legendary and influential filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard and actress Anne Wiazemsky. I honestly think this film is fairly well-intentioned and is fairly inoffensive. So before we get into the shortcomings of the film, let’s talk about what I thought was good.

I would say the film in all aspects is fine. Nothing really stood out to me as fantastic or absolutely amazing or anything like that. Everything is passable, from the script to the set design to the acting. I will say that the two leads to a fine job. Again, nothing huge or noteworthy but good enough to not get too tired of them. Louis Garrel, who usually is a pretty boy in what I’m familiar with him, plays the gross looking Godard pretty well. The audience I’m fairly certain is not supposed to like him, and he plays a not well-liked person well. I was more interested in Stacy Martin’s performance as Anne Wiazemsky a bit more though. I can’t place my finger on it, but I thought Martin’s performance was just a tad bit more drawing. She has a better stage presence and knows how to fill a shot well. Again, nothing great. She certainly won’t make anyone’s best of the year list. But she does a fine job.

I will also say that the editing of the film is interesting but primarily because it mimics that of Godard’s filmography. This is where the film starts to get a little tricky. The film’s intentions are clearly not in favor of Godard. In fact, you could say the film acts as one big “go screw yourself” toward Godard. I mean given how much Godard screwed with Cannes throughout the years, then to premiere this film at Cannes… It’s a bold move. What’s kind of interesting but in a way a downfall is that the films selected audience are people who have seen Godard’s films and don’t like them.

You need to have a pretty vast knowledge of Godard’s style and filmography to fully understand and appreciate this film. But at the same time though, the film doesn’t want you to particularly like Godard either or his styling. So in order to fully appreciate this film, you have to watch Godard’s films, not like them, then continue to watch at least half of his filmography. So you have to be me. And even I didn’t really like it all that much.

The film tried to add more stylings into its base to make a fairly simple romance biopic into something more. And I give it credit for at least trying that. Unfortunately, the style doesn’t match the substance. The film has both, which can be a great thing. But watching this film is like biting into an apple and tasting an orange. Both are good, but they don’t particularly complement each other very well.

Scroll to top